Read on if you want to make yours great.
He struggled to understand the relationship.
They were in a good place not so long ago. They were watching their favorite series on the couch with popcorn. He felt as if it was yesterday. This couple had been together for a year, and they’d experienced their fair share of ups and downs.
As I watched my friend sigh as he remembered their happy memories, I asked him a few questions to learn more about their past. What I heard and what I learned from them while they were together led me to notice a pattern of misguided behavior that leads many couples to break up. This misdirection is easily corrected by greater awareness and understanding.
It all starts at the top.
1. Keep Your Head Up in the Clouds
They were a couple from the very first date. She would often rest her head on him.
He laughed a lot at his jokes. Smiles and whispers. Please understand me; relationships are about sharing fun, making lasting memories, and bringing joy to others’ lives. We all fall for them. We all want the perfect relationship.
As the months passed by, it became apparent that something was wrong with the couple. Since they never took the time to realize they were on honeymoon. They weren’t on a honeymoon. They were… During the honeymoon phase, there is a surge of endorphins that lasts for six months to one year in the minds of the lovers. This is the time when couples are idealizing each other to an extreme. You can call it drunken love. According to a promising study, during the early, mesmerizing, and magical phase of the relationship, partners are more active in their ventral areas. Dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter, is released in more significant amounts. This leads to blissful feelings. The couple enjoyed this time for a good reason. As honeymoons faded, issues started to surface. Dopamine, which enhances mood, is brought back to normal. They weren’t ready for the changes that were coming.
2. Arguments over Small Things
Returning is alright. Like fine wine, time can age relationships and chemistry. It’s easy for you to get lost on the road to Napa Valley. Jumping into the octagon with your lover is a sure way to make an impact. You want fine wine, and I know that you do. But you need to understand how and why you should argue. This is a topic for another article. Let’s start with the basics: don’t be stupid about it. He said they got into their first heated argument over dinner.
The people were tired, cranky, and refused to move from their positions. This situation has been seen before. “Where would you like to go out tonight?” “Hmm, I’m not sure…you choose”. Why don’t you go to one of the new Mexican restaurants? “No…I’m not going there.” Cue angry grimaces.
They continued to argue until they got into a full-blown argument.
It would have been more sexy for these two to relax, step back slowly, and take a deep breath. Relax. It’s not wise to be angry about something that is only a 3 on a scale of importance. It’s not easy to say how they could have reduced their inner conflict. They probably grew out of other situations. But why add fuel to a fire you don’t wish? It’s just kindling that has been built up. You’re now in values territory if you add anything more like firewood.
We’ll discuss this more in the following section. Remain calm. It will make you feel wiser and look more mature. You will be more wise. Your time is too precious and short to waste on foolish gambles. Draw a line if the conflict is rooted in something more. It is an excellent opportunity to build ties if handled correctly. Keep your coolness in the front pocket to some extent.
3. Values that are not aligned
She would often talk about her love of poetry and the time she spent on it.
He complained about spending less time with her.
Value is a word that is used a lot. It is overused and is often mentioned in vague terms. Let’s take a look at it. Values can be actions or
Values are things that you value. Here are some examples of values.
– Prioritize time with those you consider family.
– Passion: Make a goal or activity you are passionate about a reality. It is worth it, despite any sacrifices.
-Integrity: Maintain honesty and moral behavior. Integrate with religion or spirituality.
– Well-Being: Accepting only relationships that are generally positive and contribute to your health, happiness, comfort, etc.
4. This Fell Too Steeply
According to Dr. John Gottman, a 5:1 relationship ratio is an essential indicator of enduring relationships. It’s not an exact science, nor is it meant to be. But partners should exchange five positive words for every negative. The interactions should be organic. It is a good indicator of the health of a relationship. The couple’s ratio went from 5:0 during their honeymoon (where they barely said anything negative) to 50/50. They would not have seen such a steep decline if they had taken a more pragmatic approach on their honeymoon and were willing to work. They would have felt much better if they had put in the effort to make a relationship work. This includes facing real issues and maintaining harmony. It was a sign of a new beginning in the relationship. It was still possible to turn the relationship around.
5. No Allowance for…
It was now clear that the romance between them was in a downward spiral. They both still wanted to make the relationship work. They admitted that they missed their old times. She said, “I need some space for two weeks, baby.” on a calm summer’s day. He reluctantly
agreed. After that, they didn’t see each other anymore, and there were no phone calls or texts. Unfortunately, patience would not last for long. It was time to give her some space. It was a good time to lighten up and focus on himself. But the
Text messages increased, and some even pleaded for the return of normalcy, without space. You’ve probably seen this before. She explained (understandably) that she felt smothered. The messages continued, and then boom, it was over. All too often, this avoidable situation occurs.
You Can Grow from the Initial Pain
Couples who split up often repeat the pattern above. It’s incredible how often people repeat the same cycle of relationships and breakups if they don’t learn from their mistakes. It is possible to revive relationships by laying the proper foundation. Get your head out of the clouds and avoid arguments about small things. Set your values, see the world as half-full, and respect the space of others when necessary. You can grow your relationship or if it has ended, you can find a new one. If you follow these rules, your relationship will be much healthier and resilient.